Toast to the Future, But That'd Be A Lie
by Misha
Summary: As he watched her become another man's wife, he wished with all his heart that he could have been what she needed. Cupcake, Ranger angst


Toast to the Future, But That'd Be A Lie  
By Misha

Disclaimer- I don't own Stephanie Plum or any of the other characters (though I wish I owned Ranger). They belong to the incredibly talented Janet Evanovich and I'm just borrowing them. I'm not making any money off this, so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes- Since I'm now officially addicted to Stephanie Plum fanfic, I couldn't resist writing another one. This is told from Ranger's PoV and is pretty angsty. It's set to the Sister Hazel song "Champagne HIgh" because it just struck me as so perfect for the Stephanie Plum world, after all any situation with two men and one woman means someone's going to be left behind. In fact the song was so perfect that I couldn't decide between Ranger and Morelli as the narrator, so I wrote two stories, the other one is "Undone". That was also partially because this story depressed me since my personal preference is Babe, but this more of a Cupcake. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

Pairing- Stephanie/Ranger, Stephanie/Morelli.

Summery- As he watched her become another man's wife, he wished with all his heart that he could have been what she needed.

Rating- PG-13

Spoilers- Up to _Fearless Fourteen_.

* * *

  
_  
I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you.  
I never thought it would hurt just to hear,  
"I do" and "I do"  
And I do a number on myself,  
_  
I went to church today, for the first time in a long time.

I'm not a religious man, despite the fact that I was raised Catholic. It's been years since I went to church, which was a choice I made. I figured that since I've broken a lot of the commandments and that I don't follow the principles of the faith, I shouldn't bother darkening the doors of the church.

So I stayed away, much to my mother's dismay. I gather that she and my grandmother pray for me regularly, but I'm going to guess that has more to do with more than me not attending church, like the fact that I occasionally killed people.

However, that was neither here or there, because there I was standing in a church for the first time in years. It wasn't a happy occasion, in fact it was one of the worst moments of my life, because I was at that church witnessing the marriage of the woman I loved to another man.

I could have skipped the church part, I don't think anyone would have noticed, but I couldn't do it. I had to be there for her, because she asked me to and I'd do almost anything she asked.

Except become a marrying kind of man, but that was an entirely different story and the root of my misery. If I could have been the man she needed me to be, maybe I would have been the one waiting for her at the end of the aisle, but that ship sailed long before she came into my life.

So, I just stood there and watched her walk down the aisle on her father's arm, a vision in white satin and lace. I watched, my jaw clenched, as her father placed her hand in that of her adoring groom, a man who knew just how lucky he was to have won such a prize. He'd pursued her for years, knowing that he wanted a life time with her, and he'd gotten it.

I watched it all and wished with all my heart that it could be different. I wished that I could be her groom, that I could be the man she chose. I was surprised by the depth of my feelings, after all I had always known that the day would come when she'd want forever and I'd always known that I couldn't give it to her.

I'm not a forever kind of man, but she made me wish that I could be. Sometimes I curse the day I met her, because she made me feel things that I had never thought possible, made me want things I'd given up a long time ago.

Mostly, though, I was just grateful for every moment we had, even the painful ones. It hurt more than I'd thought it would, because I thought I was prepared to let her go. After all, I had always known that our love wasn't the kind that included marriage and happily ever after. I knew from day one that I wouldn't get a lifetime with her, so I valued every moment I did get and told myself it was enough.

Yet, as I stood there and watched her make her vows to the man who was able to offer her love, commitment and family, I realized that I had been lying to myself. Those moments that we'd had, the ones I had stolen before she walked away were precious, but they weren't enough.

As I watched her say "I do", I realized I wanted more.

For the first time in a long time, I wished that it could be different, that I could be different. I wished that I could have been the kind of man that could have offered her marriage and children, but I couldn't. I'd made my choices a long time ago and nothing could change that, no matter how much I might wish differently.

_And all that I thought--to be,  
And you'll be the one  
Who just left me undone  
By my own, hesitation._

I can only blame myself for my regrets, because I made my choice. I chose this life and the restrictions that come with it.

I'm a hard man who lives a hard, dangerous life. It's the life I chose for myself and it's one that doesn't lend itself to relationships. No, my life works better if I steer clear of personal entanglements.

I learned a long time ago that personal entanglements are dangerous, because they leave you vulnerable and with my life, I can't afford to be vulnerable. For most part I'm okay with it and I manage keep myself free from entanglements.

I have a daughter, but she's not really a part of my life. I have friends, but most of them play by the same rules as I do, so there's no danger there. I have family, but they're not really a big part of my life anymore.

The reality is, there aren't that many people I let get that close to me and almost none who make me vulnerable. Sure, there are people I feel responsible for and I'd feel guilty if anything happened to them because of me, but there's no one whose loss would truly devastate me.

No one, but her. Stephanie Plum, the woman I love, the woman who just became Mrs. Joe Morelli. She was the first person to perpetrate my defences, the first person in a long time to make me vulnerable.

I tried to hold her at a distance, tried not to care about her, but I couldn't do it. She made herself important to me, made me fall in love with her, made me vulnerable for the first time in years and now she's left me broken.

I don't blame her for that, though, because it's my own fault. I kept pushing her away, I wouldn't let her get too close to me. I made it clear from day one that there would be no future for us, so of course she walked away. Any sane woman would. It says a lot that she held on as long as she did, putting off the commitment to her cop until now.

I can't help wonder if she was waiting, hoping I might change and then finally gave up on me. I hope not, because then I only have myself to blame and I think I'd just prefer to think that she married him because she loves him than that she chose him because I couldn't give her what she needed.

Deep down, I can't help wonder though and think that if I were a different kind of man and lived a different kind of life, maybe it would have been different. At least then I would have had a shot and if I had lost, at least I would have known that I had done my best to win her away from him and make her mine. Would I have still lost? I don't know.

Honestly, I don't think so. I often get the feeling that if I'd ever really tried to win her heart, I would have succeeded. There were a million times when she wasn't sure of him, when I could have come in and taken her away, but I didn't. Sometimes I pushed at her boundaries, taking what I could get and angling for more, but at the same time I held back.

I never let myself truly pursue her and I always made it clear to her that if she gave herself to me, it could only be temporary, that I'd never give her all of myself. I told myself I was protecting us both by holding back, because I couldn't give her everything and if I tried, it'd just destroy us both.

It was a cold comfort on nights when I was in my bed alone and she was with Morelli, but I couldn't let my heart rule my head. So I stayed in the shadows and she eventually moved on from our game of cat and mouse, moved towards something permanent.

I always knew it would happen, I just never realized how much it would hurt when it did. I'd always known that one day she'd walk away from me forever and choose the man who offered her everything, instead of the one who could only offer her half of himself, I just didn't realize how much it would hurt.

_And for the million hours that we were  
Well I'll smile and remember it all,  
Then I'll turn and go.  
While your story's completed,  
mine is a long way from done.  
_  
It was my day for making sacrifices, because not only did I force myself to go to the ceremony, I even made myself attend the reception.

Which was even more painful, because here I was expected to participate, to be one of the many happy bystanders celebrating their love. That wasn't going to happen, but I went through the motions.

All throughout dinner, I watched Stephanie and Morelli and saw the happiness radiating out of them. I didn't care about how happy he was, of course he was happy, he had her didn't he?

But, seeing her so happy... Well, it was a double-edged sword. On one hand, I would give anything world to make sure she was always that happy, on the other hand... It killed me to know that I wasn't the one to make her happy.

The entire time I watched them, I wished it could have been me up there with her.

I wasn't having a good time, but that wasn't terribly surprising. I'd never been one for weddings in the first place, I tended to avoid them like the plague.

Weddings are just a little too mushy for me. This was by far the worst I'd ever been to, but I was determined to stick it out. Mainly because I knew that if I ever wanted to achieve any sort of peace, I had to sit and watch her happy ending. I needed to do this, to watch her walk off into the sunset, to be able to let her go.

After all, this was the end of Stephanie's journey and it was her exit from mine. Our paths had crossed for one beautiful moment, but after this they wouldn't.

As I watched her with Morelli and saw the love and joy on her face, I felt a bitter twang in my heart at the idea that this was the end and I couldn't help but remember all the moments that I'd had with her.

This would be the final memory, Stephanie as another's man, beautiful bride, but there were so many others that would precede it. They were memories I knew I'd treasure forever.

From now until the day I died, I knew I'd remember it all. Every kiss, every touch, every moment I was able to steal--they'd be burned into my brain forever. I thought of them now, remembered our one night together and all the other precious moments that we'd shared together.

Still, as beautiful as most of those memories were, it was a bitter one that was coming across the clearest.

I was remembering all the good times, of course, but mostly I couldn't help but remember the heartbreaking moment when I had to face that Stephanie would never be mine.

It was clear in my mind, that haunting moment when she stood in front of me and told me that she was finally ready to marry Morelli...

_/Rangeman had been commissioned for a standard distraction job and I'd asked Stephanie for help and she'd agreed._

From the moment she'd gotten into my car, I knew that something was up. She just seemed different somehow. It was almost as if she was nervous about something.

But it was more than that, there was also an excitement bubbling under the surface, like something incredible had happened. I didn't bring it up until after the job was over and we were out of the car, back at her apartment.

For once the job had gone smoothly, no Stephanie-related disasters. I'd reached for her and for the first time she stopped me.

"Morelli asked me to marry him." She said softly. "For us, this time, not our families and I said yes." She waved her hand in my face, and for the first time I noticed the diamond that rested there.

I stepped back, my heart going completely still. "Is this what you want?" I asked, needing to be sure.

I'd always said that I'd respect her choice, if she ever made one, but until then I'd continue to push--so I needed to know if she was sure. If so, well, then I'd have to back off.

Stephanie nodded and smiled, the smile lighting up her face and making her look even more beautiful than she normally did. "Yes. I love him." She told me and then paused and looked at me. "I... Well, I'll always love you too... In my own way."

I tried not to wince as she threw my words back at me, however gently it was done. I couldn't help but take it as a personal dig, a subtle hint that it could have been different, if I'd let it.

"But... I love him more." She continued after a long moment, making me wonder if I'd read too much into her words. "Joe... He's willing to give me all of himself and I want that. I want marriage and a family and everything he's willing to give me. I want forever."

She looked me straight in the eye as she said this and again, I wondered if there was a hidden message. I wondered if she would have been wearing his ring if I'd been willing to offer her those same things.

I wanted to ask, but since I couldn't make the offer, I stayed silent. Knowing wouldn't change anything, all it would do would make it all just that much more painful.

"What about your job?" I asked finally, since it was a question I **could **ask.

I was afraid that I knew the answer, since I knew that her job had always been one of the biggest issues between her and Morelli, one of the things that had always stopped them from taking the plunge.

Well, that and her association with me, but they were linked and if she gave up her job, then... Well, it'd be the end of our relationship and we both knew it. Still, as much as I dreaded the answer, I had to know.

"I'm quitting my job." She said softly, confirming my fears. "Its time."

I nodded. I felt as if my heart was breaking, though I hoped it didn't show since it would ruin my tough guy image. So, this was it, the end. I was losing her for good. She was marrying another man and I wouldn't even be able to be in her life as her friend and associate.

I knew it was probably for the best, since it would kill me to be part of her life and not be able to touch her or kiss her, but it would also destroy me not to have her in my life at all. In the three years I'd known her, she'd become the most important person in my life.

"I'll miss you, Babe." I told her sincerely, hoping she understood how deeply I meant the words.

"I'll miss you too, Ranger." She said quietly and I could see that there were tears in her big blue eyes.

I'd been keeping a distance for the last few minutes, but now I pulled her towards me and place a gentle kiss on her forehead. I wanted to kiss her lips, wanted to taste their sweetness one last time, but I'd promised Stephanie that if she ever set boundaries, I'd follow them and I'm a man of my word.

I was about to release her when she raised her lips to mine and kissed me gently. It was the first time she'd ever initiated a kiss between us and I knew it would be the last.

It wasn't an act of passion, but the opposite. We both knew what it was, it was a good-bye. We'd been through too much to say good-bye with words, so we did it with a kiss.

The kiss deepened and we both poured all our emotions into that kiss. Everything we'd ever been and never could be went into that kiss. We gave our whole selves to that one kiss, letting it represent all that we wished we could have been.

After a long moment, the kiss finally ended and she pulled away, though still in the circle of my arms.

"Be happy." I told her, still holding her close for one final moment.

She smiled as she broke the embrace and stepped out of my arms. "I will."

With that she turned and walked away and I knew that my life would never be the same again.../

  
That wasn't one of my more pleasant memories. In fact, it's one of the worst moments of the life, because it was the moment I lost her.

Yet, perversely, that's what makes it precious, because it's a moment that I shared with her and I treasure every moment I had with her.

Even the terrifying moments where she was in danger and I had to face just how vulnerable she made me are precious, because they involve her. For as long as I live, I'll treasure all those moments.

I know that when I'm alone and missing her, I'll take them out our and remember all that we'd had. I'll remember that for a moment I'd been lucky enough to have a woman like Stephanie Plum in my life. That for one precious moment, I'd been lucky enough to love her and have her love me, even if it hadn't been a forever kind of love. And that was why it was coming to an end now.

After today, Stephanie wasn't going to be a part of my life anymore, and we both knew it. Honestly, it was probably for the best, because she had a new life ahead of her and I had my own thing to do.

We'd had our moment, our time together, and it was time for our paths to separate. Our lives were taking us in different directions and I couldn't be part of her story anymore, just like she couldn't be part of mine.

It was a simple as that.

Oh, it hurt like Hell and I wished with everything I had that it could be different, but I knew that wishing wasn't going to change anything and I was a practical man.

Practical enough to understand that this was best for everyone. Stephanie had gotten her happy ending, there was no more searching for her. She'd finally found what she was looking for.

I, on the other hand, still had a long way to go and a lot of searching to do. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get a happy ending. In fact, I'm pretty sure my chances were pretty slim. After all, I couldn't manage a happy ending with Stephanie, so why would I find one with someone else?

Besides, I'd never really been the happily ever after type.  
_  
I'm on a champagne high.  
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?  
On a champagne high--high._

I'm not much of a drinker, never have been. I'll have the occasional beer or mixed drink, but that's it. I don't like things that dull my wits and senses and that's really the point of alcohol, isn't it?

But tonight I broke my own rules and had more than a few glasses of champagne. Most of the time I need to be on alert, my job and my lifestyle demand it, but tonight I needed my senses dulled. I was off-duty for the night and I was allowing myself to put my guard down, mainly because my emotions were all messed up and I certainly wasn't at my most alert--alcohol or no alcohol.

Plus, I needed something to take the edge off and help me get through the night without giving into all those emotions coursing through me. You'd think that alcohol would be a bad idea for someone trying to control their emotions, but I'm always in control.

The few times I've been drunk, I've still managed to keep myself together. Besides, I wasn't drunk, just numb enough to be able to forget a little bit, or at least to feel my pain a little less and I needed that to survive the night.

I'm not a man who has a lot of regrets, in my line of work regrets are dangerous, but tonight I had a lot of regrets. Most of all, I couldn't help but wonder what might have been.

That was what was going through my mind as I watched them cut their cake--which was actually a mini cake and several tears of cupcakes, a cute little pun on his nickname for her that brought smiles to the faces of most of their guests--and couldn't help but notice how happy they looked.

Of course, I'd been noticing that most of the night, but it was even more prevalent in that moment as he gently fed her that first bite of cake.

Being Stephanie, she fed him a small piece and then quickly gobbled down the rest of the first slice, bringing laughter to the entire room.

I looked at her, saw the brilliant smile on her beautiful face, even as she was blushing bright red, and wondered, not for the first time, if it could have been me. If I could have been the one to bring that smile to her face, to make her so happy.

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, it was always meant to be Morelli, that this was the only ending possible for a tale that had been long before I entered it. Or maybe, there could have been a different ending, if only I'd been willing to try.

The truth is, I'll never know, but I'll always wonder. That was why I needed that champagne high, so I could get through the night without wondering too much because if I did, I might just break down. And that just wasn't an option, for so many reasons.

_Spring turned to summer,  
but then winter turned to mean.  
The distance seemed right  
at the time it was best to leave,  
And to leave behind,  
What I once thought was fine and so real--to me  
_  
If I'm being honest, I have to admit that we had our moment, our time to shine and we, or rather I, let it pass us by.

I'd met Stephanie before she got involved with Morelli, at least this time around, and I'd had my chance many times over the years.

There was a time, not to long ago, when she wasn't sure if a lifetime with Morelli was what she wanted. She'd been drawn to me, as attracted to me as I was to her, and I know that was a big part of her indecision.

I probably could have won her away then, but I didn't even let myself try. Instead, I had her for one beautiful night and then pushed her away and sent her back to Morelli.

In the aftermath of that night, I let her know that I'd never be able to give her what she needed, told her in a million ways that a lifetime with me just wasn't in the cards. I could give her my body, my friendship, even my love, but nothing more.

I couldn't give her marriage, children and the Burg lifestyle and I made sure that she understood that. It was why I encouraged her to make things work with Morelli after our night together, even though it was the last thing I wanted, but it seemed liked the right thing to do because I didn't want to hurt her or lead her on.

I knew I could never promise her forever, even if I wanted to, and some days, God, I really wished I could.

So, I went back to being her man of mystery, there on the fringes of her life, but unwilling to be a major part of it. I wish it could be different and I that I could have given her what she needed.

But the truth is, I'm not that kind of man and I'm never going to be, while Morelli is. He's a good man, a better one than I am, and he'll make her happy, happier than I ever could have and deep down I know that it's better for everyone that I stepped back and didn't try and stand it their way, at least too much.

Or maybe I'm just being conceited and the truth is Stephanie always would have picked him simply because she loved him more, but I honestly don't think so. Maybe I'm just deluding myself, but I really think that if I had truly fought for her, I would have won her heart, but I guess we'll never for sure.

And, any ways, its too late for regrets, because there's no going back. She's his wife now and all I have are thoughts of what could have been.  
_  
And while I'm still gone  
On the quest for my song  
I'm at your, celebration.  
_  
Honestly, I'm not a wedding fan, in fact I pretty much hate them, but as far as weddings go, it was nice.

It was very Italian (with a good dose of Hungarian thrown in for good measure). Very large and loud, with a couple hundred guests happily celebrating the nuptials.

Half the Burg was probably packed into the hall to witness the wedding, which in all their eyes, had been such a long time coming.

Stephanie's mother was beaming. I'm sure she as ecstatic at finally getting Stephanie respectably married. I also knew that she wouldn't have looked so thrilled if I'd been the groom instead of Morelli.

She'd never liked me much and it'd been obvious that I wasn't her idea of the perfect son-in-law, not that I could blame her because she was right, I wasn't the marriage type and I probably wasn't that good for Stephanie, but I did love her. With all my heart.

Still, in the eyes of Ellen Plum, Morelli was a much better choice and I'm sure she's thrilled at how it all worked out.

Besides her obvious joy, she also looked a bit harried. Mainly from having to keep her eye on Stephanie's grandmother. There'd been the threat of a fight between her and Morelli's Grandma Bella. They'd been in each other's faces before their respective daughter's had pulled them away and dragged them to opposite sides of the hall.

Personally, I almost wish it had happened. A fist fight would have made the wedding seem a little less perfect and fairytale-esque, which would have made it a little easier on me.

But the night wasn't about me and truthfully I didn't want anything to happen that would ruin Stephanie's wedding. For her sake I wanted the night to be perfect, because that's what she deserved.

I'm not the best judge of what makes the perfect wedding or a good marriage. My wedding was a rush-job at a courthouse and the marriage lasted less than six months and I think I've been to less than a dozen weddings in my life, since I normally try to avoid them.

Still, if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that whatever it was, Stephanie's night had it in spades. Even from my perspective it seemed like the perfect night and that was saying a Hell of a lot.

_And for the million hours that we were  
Well I'll smile and remember it all,  
Then I'll turn and go.  
While your story's completed  
mine is a long way from done._

I was a guest at their wedding reception, but I wasn't really an active participant. Mainly I was an observer, standing on the sidelines watching their happiness and realizing I had no part in it.

That feeling was strong as I watched them share their first dance as man and wife, wishing for the millionth time that day that I was the one holding her close. They looked so happy as they gazed into each other's eyes, the perfect bride and groom. They looked lost in the own little world, happily oblivious to their audience.

It hit me then, as I watched, that Stephanie and I had never danced together. It wasn't surprising, after all we'd never had what could be called a normal relationship. We never had a single date, so when would we have had the chance to dance?

Still, what we did have, the sexual tension, romantic feelings, and stolen moments all added up to the best time of my life. Maybe it wasn't a real relationship in a traditional sense, but it was real to me and more precious than anything else I'd ever experienced.

It was destroying me to see our time together come to an end, to know that whatever we had, it was done. Yet, as I watched her dance with her husband and I saw how happy she was, it hurt a little less because I really was glad that she was happy. This what she'd always wanted, what she deserved. This was her happy ending.

If there was ever a woman who deserved Prince Charming and the fairy tale ending, it was Stephanie and Morelli was willing to provide that. He'd stepped up to the role of Prince Charming and he did a good job of it.

I could never be Prince Charming, that had been determined from the very first day, long before any of us even understood the story that was unfolding or the parts we were meant to play.

Stephanie never tried to cast me as Prince Charming, instead she called me Batman and that was all I could ever be to her. I was the Dark Knight, the masked super hero who would do anything to keep her safe, but who could never be a regular part of her life.

The truth is, Batman's not a happily ever after kind of super hero, quite the opposite in fact. He doesn't get a lot of credit for what he does, he's considered dark, scary and a little crazy, and he'd destined to be alone. I have to admit, the comparison kind of fits, since most of that could apply to me as well.

But what Batman can do is save the girl and make sure she gets a happy ending, even if its with another man, and maybe that was my role all along.

Maybe it was never my destiny to end up with Stephanie, but just to keep her safe until Morelli could sweep her off her feet and give her happily ever. I'm surprisingly okay with that thought, because at least I got to have her in my life, even if only for a moment.

I understand that my time with Stephanie is just one short part of my journey, though I know that I'll always consider it to be the very best part.  
_  
I'm on a champagne high.  
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?  
On a champagne high.  
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie.  
On a champagne high - high._

When the first dance was complete, I helped myself to another glass of champagne, and tried to ignore the revelry going on around me.

I was trying to decide how much longer I needed to stay. I knew that I couldn't leave without talking to Stephanie, that I owed is both that much, but I hadn't been able to bring to do it yet.

So, instead I stood on the edge of the dance floor drinking champagne. Yet, for all the champagne I'd drank that night, none of it had been consumed during the toasts. I'd stayed completely motionless then, unable to bring myself to raise my glass to their future.

Maybe it as being petty, but... I figured I'm due, after all I'm a big enough man to come to their wedding, but it turns out my graciousness has limits.

I could force myself to go through the Hell of watching her pledge her love and life to another, but there was no power in the world that could compel me to toast to their future.

Mainly because a part of me secretly hoped that they'd fall apart and that I'd get a second chance. It was only a very small part of me, since mostly I just wanted her to be happy.

Still, it was a big enough part to keep me raising my glass to toast to their future, because that just felt like too much of a lie.

_Your wagon's been hitched to a star.  
Well now he'll be your thing that's new.  
Yeah and what little I have you can borrow  
'Cause I'm old (I'm old) I'm blue._

I continued to watch the happy couple from across the room, still not ready to be able to approach her. So far I hadn't talked to her yet.

Oh, I'd gone through the receiving line, even though it was akin to torture, and seen her then, but that was only for a moment and it didn't count.

We deserved more of a good-bye than that and we both knew it. I knew that she'd wait for me to approach her, so that I could do it on my own pace, and that I would before the night was over.

I just didn't know how to do it. Didn't know how to go about saying good-bye to the woman I loved.

But I knew it was necessary and as I watched them together, watched her beam at up him, it felt like less of a burden, because if I had to let her go, at least I knew she was in good hands.

Morelli would take care of, he'd treat her the way she deserved to be treated and while it still broke my heart to let go, at least I knew she'd be okay. Her life was him now, they were building something shiny and new and there was no room in it for me. And that was how it should be, because Morelli was her future, he'd have all her tomorrows, while I... I would be relegated to the past, just a part of her yesterday, a broken man who'd only realized what he'd had when it was gone.

"You okay?"

I turned to see Tank standing behind me. He looked mildly uncomfortable, which wasn't surprising since he likes weddings about as much as I do. However, since he was dating Lula and she'd been a bridesmaid, he kind of had to come. Plus, I knew that he was fond of Stephanie and wanted to come for her sake.

In fact, most of my men had felt that way, and they'd all been invited. Not all of them could come, of course, since somebody needed to be watching the office. As it was, I felt a little wary having both Tank and I off-duty, but it couldn't be helped. The men that hadn't been able to come had sent their well wishes, and the ones who had, were around there somewhere, enjoying the party.

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" I asked wistfully, not answering his question.

"She is." Tank agreed and then he looked me straight in the eye. "Its for the best, Carlos, for everyone. They're good for each other and he'll make her happy. He'll give her everything she needs. You wouldn't have been able to do that."

Tank's the only person who could get away with saying something like that to me, because he knows me better than anyone else. He's the only person who truly understood how hard it was for me to be there. How hard it was to watch her get married and exit my life.

I nodded sadly. "I know."

Because I did know and Tank was right. They were good for each other and Morelli **was** better for her than I could have been. lPlus, she was happy and that was all that really mattered, all that I had ever really wanted. I just wish it didn't hurt so damned much.  
_  
And for the million hours that we were  
Well I'll smile and remember it all,  
Then I'll turn and go  
_  
After my talk with Tank, I knew it was time.

So, I made myself approach her and I stole her away for a dance.

Morelli handed her over with a silent nod, showing that he understood. Besides, he could afford to be generous now, he had her forever, so he could afford to give me this one dance, the first and last we'd ever share.

"I wasn't sure that you were going to make it." Stephanie said quietly, as she gazed up at me.

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world, Babe." I assured her.

It was the truth. As much as the wedding was torture for me and I didn't want to be there, I would never have missed it because that would have hurt her and I'd never do that. I'd never let her down if I could help it, because I'd do anything for Stephanie. And if that meant showing up to watch her marry another man, well... Then that would be my burden to bear.

"You look beautiful." I told her softly. "Morelli's a lucky man."

She blushed, but I could tell that she was pleased by the compliment.

It was the truth. Stephanie was always beautiful, but today was something else. She was a stunning bride in her frothy veil and her princess-style satin gown, her hair and make-up carefully made up. She was a vision, surely the most beautiful bride there ever was. Morelli was one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

"Almost makes me wish I was the marrying kind." I said as lightly as I could.

The truth was there was no almost about it, but that sounded too serious and this wasn't the time or place for that. So I added the qualifier, like I always did with Stephanie, to stop from revealing the true depth of my emotions.

Still, despite the lightness with which I'd said the words, Stephanie's expression turned sad. "Ranger..."

"It's ok, Babe." I assured her, wanting to wipe that look off her face. She shouldn't be sad, not on her wedding day. At least not because of me. "We both know that I'm not the marrying kind and you and Morelli... You're good together. I'm happy for you."

She smiled, the sadness vanishing. "Thank you." She paused, her hand moving from my shoulder to my cheek. "I almost wish you were the marrying type, too." She confided softly.

I wasn't sure whether or not I was glad to hear her say that. One thing was for sure, it made my regret even stronger.

She smiled then, a full, beautiful smile. "But only almost, because Joe... He's everything."

I looked into her face and saw that she was telling the truth, that whatever she regret she had was miniscule, because she loved Morelli and he made her happy.

Maybe, she wondered what might have been, but she wasn't going to waste her life on regrets, not when she had something beautiful in her life to concentrate on. Not like me, who only had his regrets.

"That's what you deserve, Babe." I told her quietly, ignoring my inner ache and wishing with all my heart that I could have been her everything, but we both knew that that had never been in the cards.

The music ended then and I let her go, watching as she made her way back to her husband's side, our moment done in more ways than one...  
_  
On a champagne high (so high)  
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?  
On a champagne high (so high)  
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie._

I left the reception shortly after my dance with Stephanie. After that, I didn't have any reason to stay, after all I'd done what I'd come for.

I hadn't attended the wedding to celebrate her marriage, but to let her go and I'd done that. I'd seen her settled into her happily ever after and we'd had our good-bye.

Since I'd completed my mission, I didn't have to stick around any longer. After all, there was really nothing left for me to do and I couldn't bear to witness anything more, it would be just needless torture.

So, I slipped out of the reception hall and headed back to my empty apartment, all the time cursing my solitary existence.

When I got there, I felt even more lonely, because I couldn't help but remember all the times Stephanie had moved in with me when she'd needed a place to stay. After a while, it had felt natural to come home and find her there and it was depressing to realize that that was over. I'd never again come home and find her asleep in my bed. I'd miss that. Miss being able to fall asleep with her in my arms.

During those nights I'd been able to pretend, if only for a moment, that we were a normal couple, that it wasn't just another moment I managed to steal. I'd loved those moments and now they were done for good.

Stephanie had moved on from that part of her life, the one that made hiding out necessary, the one that involved me. She was settling into the typical Burg existence, her dance with the dark side over, and I wished her the best.

Still, all the best wishes in the world, didn't stop me from hurting like Hell and it didn't stop me from wishing that it could have been different.

I stood in my empty apartment, devoid of any personal touches, and wished with all my heart it could be different. I wanted to close my eyes and have her be there when I opened them. The only time this place ever felt like a home was when she was there and now that she was never coming back, it had gone back to just being a place to sleep.

But that was the kind of life I had chose for myself. I'd decided long ago that I was best off alone, however, now that I was truly alone without any hope of sharing my life with someone else, I'd never felt more miserable.

I stood in my empty apartment for a long time, just wallowing in the solitude, imaging Stephanie in Morelli's arms and wishing for the millionth time since I'd met her that I could have been a different kind of man. I wished that I could have been the man she needed, but I wasn't and all the wishing in the world wasn't going to change that, so I had to let her go.

No matter how much it killed me to do so.

The End


End file.
